Tuesday, April 22, 2014

There Goes The Neighborhood....

I've been saying it for years, now: Despite all my jokes about my insane neighbors (see pretty much any given blog, Facebook post or Twitter tweet from over the years), you really don't want me moving into your neighborhood.

My growing up years aside, as well as a five year stretch in a fairly nice South Austin neighborhood in the '90s, and the three years I was in Austin in the mid-to-late-'00s, I've found myself living all my life in ghetto or barrio neighborhoods. It's what I can afford. And the food is better. But if you see me moving in next door, it's a bad sign.

Trust me: I've seen it happen time and again. Six months after I move in, you soon start seeing packs of young white people walking around. They're either carrying guitar cases, or you'll see paintbrushes sticking out the back pockets of their skinny jeans.

Three months after that, the convenience store (or bodega, depending on your location) either on the corner or downstairs in your building closes down. Six months after that, it reopens as a combination espresso bar/art gallery.

Inevitably, three years later, rents will triple. Which is when I'll have to move out and find some other ghetto to ruin as a harbinger of the ol' dreaded gentrification.

You hear complaints about that all over Austin these days: Gentrification, over-development, too many people moving here and all that. Certainly, I can remember SoCo when it was just South Congress. No $500 skinny jeans shops and long-line gourmet burger joints then. No, the Continental Club had a gun shop (Just Guns! I shit you not!) and a liquor store for neighbors. What's now an advertising agency down the street was a porn theater, a run-down weekly bedbug motel across the street. If you were walking home at 2 AM from the Continental after seeing Ronnie Dawson, a charming, 6-ft.-tall black transvestite with a sprayed silver high-rise fade would offer to suck your dick for a quarter.

I moved into this neighborhood back in November, after me and my then-roommates all got word that the house off Riverside we'd been in for years (well, year, in my case) would have to be vacated in December. I'd heard there were no plans, other than maybe to turn it into a vacant lot. As skyscrapers went up a few blocks away, in what used to be another crack neighborhood. And so it goes....

The day I moved into this duplex I currently share with three others, the welcome wagon came in the form of first responders dragging a body out of the house across the street, respirator mask firmly clamped to the face. My immediate neighbors in the duplex next door finally cleaned up the mound of garbage in their front yard that has been there since likely before I moved in. But their pitbull still comes onto my property and barks at me like I'm trespassing on hers'. And they still like to yell and blast hip hop at all hours - 4 AM, doesn't matter. I mean, who needs an alarm clock, when you can count on hearing 500 dBs of Tupac or whoever, accompanied by live motherfucking of everything in sight? At 8 AM.

That's okay. They're gonna get theirs'. The 2nd day I lived there, I saw a pair of white 20-somethings in skinny jeans and bushy beards (including the one on the young lady) bicycling past. Couldn't see paint brushes in their back pockets, however. And our landlady power-washed our house a few weeks ago, mowed our yard last week.

So, yeah. Go ahead and steal our city garbage cans, motherfucker. Your rent is about to get really unaffordable.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

"RADIO NAPALM" Podcast # 28: 2/25/14 (For Joyce Coffey)

Poor Joyce Coffey of Epping, NH. She was recently arrested four times in 26 hours! Why? She played AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" quote-unquote "too loud!" Ed The Engineer, I, and even dumb-as-shit-in-a-box Scooter know that AC/DC can NEVER be too loud! Even if New Hampshire cops can't figure out that "Rock 'n' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution!" So, this week's episode of "RADIO NAPALM" is dedicated to Ms. Coffey. No, we don't play any AC/DC this week. But we sure do play loads of ALL-NEW punk and garage goodies from DOA, THE STRYPES, THE JIM JONES REVUE, THE OBN IIIs, BITERS, SUPERSUCKERS, CHEETAH CHROME, and more. The Garage is BRIMMING with loudness, this week!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

"RADIO NAPALM" Podcast # 27: Feb. 16, 2014

Enough specials, already! It's time for AN ACTUAL BRAND NEW EPISODE of the most swingin' sound around, "RADIO NAPALM!" It's ALL-NEW this week, INCLUDING THE MUSIC! Every song played on today's show was recorded the last two years, to guarantee maximum freshness. So, WHO SAYS THERE'S NO GOOD NEW MUSIC?! Not Tim Napalm, Ed The Engineer, nor Scooter! So, dig the new noise from THE ENEMY, THE WHITE WIRES, REV NORB AND THE ONIONS, THE HANGMEN, FLESH LIGHTS, THE ALARM, UK SUBS, and so many more! Plus all the comedy, echo, screaming, old commercials, and Ed The Engineer and Scooter you can eat! And more exclamation points!!! AND CAPITAL LETTERS!!! CAN YOUR HEART STAND IT?!!!

Friday, February 14, 2014

The "I Can't Make This Shit Up" Desk Just BLEW UP!

I have just encountered the G.G. Allin of sidewalk evangelism, whilst waiting for the Number One bus by the UT mall.

Some frumpy woman walked into the middle of the mall area, bearing a sign reading, " You DESERVE Hell." She shouted at the UT student population all manner of terms of endearment. Like
"whores," "whore mongers," "baby murderers," etc.

I tried to tune out the strident cow by playing "Anarchy In The UK" as loud as my phone could bear, when G.G. reincarnated before my eyes as a Christian performance artist.

A skinny young man appeared next to the lady, peeled off his shirt, and revealed a torso full of hideous home-made tattoos. Then he pulled a full-on Lucha Libre wrestling mask over his head and produced a whip. And began beating himself.

Yep, full-on self-flagellation, great ribbons of blood pouring from his wounds. When he felt his back was punished enough, he started turning his chest into hamburger with his whip.

Then G.G. began brandishing the Dr. Seuss book, The Lorax, at us. Who knows what sinful intent the good Dr. had in these nutcases' eyes.

When G.G. tired of The Lorax, he began dusting himself in talcum powder.

I've no idea how many shows per day these lunatics perform, but hopefully, they'll be here for the next week. Don't forget to tip these kids - they have a helluva act.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The "RADIO NAPALM" Special: A History Of The Hormones

'Tis true, brethren. As of January 25th, 2014, The Hormones live again! The new 2014 lineup of The Hormones take the stage at Beerland here in Austin, playing our first gig in three years! Joining Tim "Napalm" Stegall on lead guitar and lead vocals are new lead guitarist/backing vocalist Clint Shay, drummer Rob Laundy, and bassist Tom Trusnovic. Opening will be Clint's band The Stand Alones and ex-Hormone Ron Williams' The Inflatable Baptists. Doors are 9 PM, admission is $5! We will also have $11 t-shirts, $2 1-inch punk rock pins, and $3 stickers! (Out of towners can get all the above for $20, including postage! Contact me at timnapalm@yahoo.com.)

Meantime, "RADIO NAPALM" presents a special program: "A History Of The Hormones." Besides everything we released during our 1994-1998 recording lifetime - all three singles ("Sell Out Young," the ultra-rare "Cartographer Of Love," "Castaway") and every comp appearance - the show also presents SEVEN UNRELEASED VINTAGE RECORDINGS! All taken from lost sessions for The Hormones' debut LP and a live radio session for KUT in Austin cut in 1996, as well as live songs from a local TV broadcast. There's also vintage interview material with Tim and Ron from that KUT live session, and an excerpt of a recent interview with me, and my own off-the-cuff reminiscences.

Click the link below, open your speakers wide, and PLAY FUCKING LOUD! See you at Beerland!

Friday, January 17, 2014

"RADIO NAPALM's" Everly Brothers Special: Songs Don And Phil Taught Us

The world's a far less melodic and harmonious place without the high-pitched, diatonic thirds of Phil Everly blending with his older brother Don. Phil passed away Jan. 3rd, already tarring a fresh new year. "RADIO NAPALM," of course, must honor the man and his genius by honoring the collective genius of The Everly Brothers. Therefore, regularly scheduled programming from The Garage this week to play Don and Phil's best, both big-selling and not, alongside homages from The Ventures, The Ramonas, Billie Joe Armstrong & Norah Jones, and even Eddie Arnold! "RADIO NAPALM" presents as much The Everly Brothers' songs and stories as we can cram into an hour. Click the link and pass the chicken and listen (as one of their album titles put it):

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

"Boss Radio Napalm 2" Special Encore Presentation Is Up At Mixcloud!

Alright, Irregulars! It's a New Year, so "RADIO NAPALM" begins with an old show! Part 2 of the "Boss Radio Napalm" encore, to be precise. This show was done in the old Woody Radio days, and recreates the sound and format of KHJ, Los Angeles' Boss Radio pioneer. The playlist? The Boss 30 for the week of my birth in 1965: Bob Dylan, Charlie Rich, The Fortunes, The Miracles, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Evie Sands, and more! There's a link below, complete with playlist. See? Listen here, and you won't have to sign up for Mixcloud! Open your speakers wide and say, "IT'S JUST GOTTA BE BOSS!"